Thursday, March 18, 2010

What I've Become

This was written during a pretty down time in my life.

What am I doing? Nothing ever seems to make sense anymore. The days go by, and still nothing ever seems to change. As much as I loath change I need it to survive. These dreary days are tiring me; I no longer sleep and all I used to feel is numb. As the years went by I think I lost myself. I no longer know who I am anymore. I look into the mirror, but the Me staring back isn’t me; it’s a fabrication, someone who came into being as I left.

Gone are the days when I found comfort in life. My faith seems weak as of late, and I don’t know how much longer I can hold on to what I cherish most. The old Me would have persevered, kept moving, chin up old fellow, chin up. The new Me, the impostor seeks comfort in self loathing. What have I become? I know not. The world is passing me by and all I can do is stare, telling myself that someday I’ll care. This isn’t the Me that I wanted to be.

When I was young I told myself I’d be somebody. I never stopped to think if I was somebody. The future always seems just out of reach. Am I doomed to this fate for the rest of my life? The repetition, the boredom, the procrastination, the Me that I’ve become is consuming all of my life.

As I watch myself wondering what happened a sense of apathy comes over me; the numbness is setting in. I’m loosing focus just like I lost myself. Am I here? I guess I don’t really care anymore. The Me that is now has pushed away the Me that was then, and all that’s left is a mess, a mess that I have no desire to deal with. Instead I think I’ll sit here in my self loathing and apathy, and perhaps someday I’ll find the comfort I desire. Someday, in the future, just out of reach…

Monday, March 15, 2010

The Blame Game

Music: I've been pondering about it lately. I've been thinking about how when something goes wrong such as a school shooting, or violence of any sort, music gets the blame. Actually, not only does music get the blame, but so do video games that contain a large amount of violence. Why is that?

When the Columbine tragedy happened, many parents and people in the media pointed the finger at one band: Marilyn Manson. Their reasoning was that his music, what he writes and sings about, was part of why the tragic events happened. Throughout the years music has been attacked like this, leading up to music studios employing the use of a "parental advisory" sticker on cd's. The purpose of this sticker is to alert parents of possibly offensive content so that they can better choose music that is appropriate for their kids to listen to. Even with this precaution parents are still complaining, saying that the lyrics in the music are influencing their children.

I myself listen to music that is considered offensive. I can't say that I find myself influenced in the way these parents are claiming their children are influence. I do believe that music influences people, but I don't think that it is necessarily through the lyrics. When I'm having a bad day, or am just angry or mad about something, I find that music is a great escape. Sometimes listening to that "heavy devil music" helps to calm me. Somehow by listening to the rage in the music I myself am releasing my rage in a very therapeutic manner.

Video games, especially more recent ones, have gotten the same kind of criticism for the amount of violence they implore in their game play. Movies and tv shows filled with blood and violence aren't criticized nearly as much, I don't understand this. All three of the CSI shows, and pretty much any of the current crime procedural/dramas have just as much, if not more violence, yet the viewership for these shows are enough in many cases to get them into the top fifty or even the top twenty.

Personally I don't believe that music and video games, or even tv and film are to blame for violent acts. I think the answer lies within society; within ourselves. The amount of bullying that goes on is horrific. I wish that I could say that I have never participated in bullying somebody, but unfortunately I have. I have also been bullied in my lifetime, picked on, teased for one reason or another, and I hated the feeling. Fortunately I was able to cope and not let it build within myself.

Beyond society influencing us, we are responsible for our own actions. No one else can take the credit or the blame. If I were to commit an act of violence it would be because I made a conscious decision to do so. Everyone now a days seem so focused on pointing the finger at somebody else, but the reality of the matter is that we are to blame. No one else, just ourselves. Perhaps someday we can live with that.