What I've Become

This was written during a pretty down time in my life.

What am I doing? Nothing ever seems to make sense anymore. The days go by, and still nothing ever seems to change. As much as I loath change I need it to survive. These dreary days are tiring me; I no longer sleep and all I used to feel is numb. As the years went by I think I lost myself. I no longer know who I am anymore. I look into the mirror, but the Me staring back isn’t me; it’s a fabrication, someone who came into being as I left.

Gone are the days when I found comfort in life. My faith seems weak as of late, and I don’t know how much longer I can hold on to what I cherish most. The old Me would have persevered, kept moving, chin up old fellow, chin up. The new Me, the impostor seeks comfort in self loathing. What have I become? I know not. The world is passing me by and all I can do is stare, telling myself that someday I’ll care. This isn’t the Me that I wanted to be.

When I was young I told myself I’d be somebody. I never stopped to think if I was somebody. The future always seems just out of reach. Am I doomed to this fate for the rest of my life? The repetition, the boredom, the procrastination, the Me that I’ve become is consuming all of my life.

As I watch myself wondering what happened a sense of apathy comes over me; the numbness is setting in. I’m loosing focus just like I lost myself. Am I here? I guess I don’t really care anymore. The Me that is now has pushed away the Me that was then, and all that’s left is a mess, a mess that I have no desire to deal with. Instead I think I’ll sit here in my self loathing and apathy, and perhaps someday I’ll find the comfort I desire. Someday, in the future, just out of reach…