Saturday, September 25, 2010

Diary

Hey everybody,

I started a diary at my other blog "The Land of Confusion"

http://thelandofconfusion.tumblr.com/

I haven't quit this blog per say, I just find that the material I put on this blog doesn't come as often to me, and the stuff I am posting on the other blog I don't really feel is appropriate for "Just Some Thoughts" (this blog). Thanks everyone (all three of my followers).

sincerely,
Joel

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Monday, August 23, 2010

A Lost Mind

First off, I would just like to thank Todd over at The Good Mistake for the shout out. Now I'm giving him a shout out, check his stuff out at: http://todd138.blogspot.com/


OK, so again, as with most/all of my stories, I wrote this one pretty quickly. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it, but I figured I'd post it anyways. Like I say in my blog description, it's a process; some things turn out good and some meh. Hopefully I get better as a I go.


There’s something there, I just can’t see it; something, gnawing at the back of my mind. Day and night, I can’t sleep. I sit awake in my bed, eyes wide open. I stare. I can’t help it. I stare at the wall, hoping that something will change right before my eyes.
As I stare into the nothingness the wall has to offer me I can feel my hands slowly gripping the covers. Gripping turns into clenching, and soon the blood flees my hands leaving them but a pail white in the moonlight. Insomnia, it has overcome me.
The daytime is no different. I often find myself staring into the distance, losing all sense of time and place. People stop to ask me if I’m ok; I rarely answer. Soon they lose interest in me and go about their merry ways.
Why do I stare? I can’t do anything else. There’s something their, eating away at my mind. I grab the back of my head with both hands, but it’s no use, I feel nothing. Whatever it is I can’t reach it. It stays hidden from me, but I know it’s there and I want it to stop.
“LEAVE ME ALONE!” I cry out at night. All I want to do is sleep, but it won’t let me. It keeps eating away at my mind. I fear I’m losing control; the intruder is taking over! I have to do something, and quick! If I don’t act soon I’ll have lost myself forever. GAAHHH! There it is again! GO AWAY! I just want some peace and quiet. No more of this constant agony! I must get it out, but how? The wall! The wall full of nothingness! All this time I’ve been staring, not understanding why, but it’s been calling me! The nothingness, the emptiness of the wall that engulfs me every night, it can save me now!
Stand man, to your feet! This is a matter of life and death! I struggle to get to my feet. That something inside my head is fighting me, but it won’t win, it can’t! As I stand in front of my bed, I muster up enough energy to make a dash for it. With my head aimed straight at the wall I begin running as fast as I can.
CRACK! My head plows into the wall leaving a small hole. I stagger back. The something is still there! Again, I move towards the wall, this time slowly. Once there, I put my hands up in front me, palms flush against the surface. It’s now or never.
BAM! BAM! BAM! I repeatedly hit my head against the wall, all the while screaming. I scream partially out of pain and partially as a war cry; a warning to that something inside my head, that something that won’t go away, until now.
After several minutes of bashing my head against the wall, I again stumble back. This time I feel something trickling down my forehead and into my mouth. The taste of iron hits my taste buds. Blood! This is war after all, I should’ve expected this.
Now, after tasting my own blood I feel weak. I no longer have the power to stand, so I fall to my knees. Slowly, I lay myself face down on the ground.
That something inside my head, I can’t feel it anymore, it’s finally gone! I’ve won! No more sleepless nights and dreary days for me, I’ve done it! Now I can take back my life for there is nothing left to control me! As I bask in my victory I close my eyes, and soon after I join the darkness that awaits me.

Monday, August 16, 2010

A Tricky Question

I wrote this short story pretty quickly. I felt like writing something, so I started typing the first thing that came to my head. It isn't much, but I like it, and it was kind of fun to write.


I didn’t know what to say. The man was staring at me; taking in every inch of my demeanor, and all I could do was stare back. We had been engaged like this for what seemed like a life time, and I wasn’t about to back down, it’s just not in my blood.
As I stared at the man, it dawned on me; I couldn’t even remember what he had said. I rummaged through the memory banks of my mind, looking for something, anything that would even give me a hint as to what just happened. If I didn’t answer soon I’d look like a fool!
“Well?” the man inquired, “What is your answer?”
I could feel drops of sweat forming on the brow of my head. Slowly they began trickling down onto my nose and face. Still no memory of what the question even was. I looked down at my lap for a bit and patted my forehead with a tissue that I had been hanging on to.
I looked back up at the man. He was still there, sitting across from me, still staring. He hadn’t magically disappeared as I took my eyes off of him to wipe my forehead. Whole lot of good it did anyway; I could feel more sweat forming.
I moved my lips to form a word, but nothing would come out. I was nervous; the man had to see this. I began forcing more air over my vocal chords. The words began coming out of my mouth, somewhat hoarse at first.
“What was...” I paused and put my fist to my mouth. AHEM. There, that should do it. “My apologies, but what was the question again?”
“The question was why do you think you’re the man for the job?”
How embarrassing; that was what I couldn’t remember. I had to look like a real gem to this guy. There was no way I was getting the job now. I couldn’t waste any more time thinking of what to say, so I began speaking.
“Well,” I cleared my throat one more time, “as you can see by my extensive resume, I have much of the experience needed for this job, and what I don’t know I am willing to learn. As you’ll find when checking my references I have good people skills, and am a team player. Going back to the “willing to learn part”, I would like to point out that I am a fast learner, which you will also find when checking my references. I think that I would be a good fit for this company, and I also think that this company would be good for me. There is a lot that I could learn and advance in myself from working here. Basically I think that my getting this job would be beneficial to all involved.”
Basically I think that?! I couldn’t believe that I just said “basically” after everything else came out so elegantly. So much for saving face, I was definitely going to be on the bottom of the “call back” pile.
The man looked at me, than glanced down at my resume. “I see, well…” He trailed off. Oh no! He didn’t buy it! He couldn’t have. Everything on his face was saying that he didn’t believe me. Was it my delivery? The fact that I had to ask him what he said again?
“Well, I will take all of that into consideration. We’ve still got some interviews to do yet, but we’ll be in touch. Thank you for coming in John; it has been a pleasure meeting you.”
The man stood up behind his desk. I stood, but more as a reflex to his standing. He put his hand out, and I did the same. His handshakes were tightly gripped and firm. I couldn’t muster any words besides “Thank you for your time.” I then turned and walked out of the room.
What just happened? I performed miserably in the interview, and I’m pretty sure that I just lost a shot at the job. I guess that my lot in life is to keep wandering; to always be on the side of wanting, and never know what it is to have.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

What I've Become

This was written during a pretty down time in my life.

What am I doing? Nothing ever seems to make sense anymore. The days go by, and still nothing ever seems to change. As much as I loath change I need it to survive. These dreary days are tiring me; I no longer sleep and all I used to feel is numb. As the years went by I think I lost myself. I no longer know who I am anymore. I look into the mirror, but the Me staring back isn’t me; it’s a fabrication, someone who came into being as I left.

Gone are the days when I found comfort in life. My faith seems weak as of late, and I don’t know how much longer I can hold on to what I cherish most. The old Me would have persevered, kept moving, chin up old fellow, chin up. The new Me, the impostor seeks comfort in self loathing. What have I become? I know not. The world is passing me by and all I can do is stare, telling myself that someday I’ll care. This isn’t the Me that I wanted to be.

When I was young I told myself I’d be somebody. I never stopped to think if I was somebody. The future always seems just out of reach. Am I doomed to this fate for the rest of my life? The repetition, the boredom, the procrastination, the Me that I’ve become is consuming all of my life.

As I watch myself wondering what happened a sense of apathy comes over me; the numbness is setting in. I’m loosing focus just like I lost myself. Am I here? I guess I don’t really care anymore. The Me that is now has pushed away the Me that was then, and all that’s left is a mess, a mess that I have no desire to deal with. Instead I think I’ll sit here in my self loathing and apathy, and perhaps someday I’ll find the comfort I desire. Someday, in the future, just out of reach…

Monday, March 15, 2010

The Blame Game

Music: I've been pondering about it lately. I've been thinking about how when something goes wrong such as a school shooting, or violence of any sort, music gets the blame. Actually, not only does music get the blame, but so do video games that contain a large amount of violence. Why is that?

When the Columbine tragedy happened, many parents and people in the media pointed the finger at one band: Marilyn Manson. Their reasoning was that his music, what he writes and sings about, was part of why the tragic events happened. Throughout the years music has been attacked like this, leading up to music studios employing the use of a "parental advisory" sticker on cd's. The purpose of this sticker is to alert parents of possibly offensive content so that they can better choose music that is appropriate for their kids to listen to. Even with this precaution parents are still complaining, saying that the lyrics in the music are influencing their children.

I myself listen to music that is considered offensive. I can't say that I find myself influenced in the way these parents are claiming their children are influence. I do believe that music influences people, but I don't think that it is necessarily through the lyrics. When I'm having a bad day, or am just angry or mad about something, I find that music is a great escape. Sometimes listening to that "heavy devil music" helps to calm me. Somehow by listening to the rage in the music I myself am releasing my rage in a very therapeutic manner.

Video games, especially more recent ones, have gotten the same kind of criticism for the amount of violence they implore in their game play. Movies and tv shows filled with blood and violence aren't criticized nearly as much, I don't understand this. All three of the CSI shows, and pretty much any of the current crime procedural/dramas have just as much, if not more violence, yet the viewership for these shows are enough in many cases to get them into the top fifty or even the top twenty.

Personally I don't believe that music and video games, or even tv and film are to blame for violent acts. I think the answer lies within society; within ourselves. The amount of bullying that goes on is horrific. I wish that I could say that I have never participated in bullying somebody, but unfortunately I have. I have also been bullied in my lifetime, picked on, teased for one reason or another, and I hated the feeling. Fortunately I was able to cope and not let it build within myself.

Beyond society influencing us, we are responsible for our own actions. No one else can take the credit or the blame. If I were to commit an act of violence it would be because I made a conscious decision to do so. Everyone now a days seem so focused on pointing the finger at somebody else, but the reality of the matter is that we are to blame. No one else, just ourselves. Perhaps someday we can live with that.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

NIN Contest

This is my entry for the ninhurt.com Write Where You Belong contest. I had to write a story that made sense using as many Nine Inch Nails song titles as I could. The link to the contest is: http://www.ninhurt.com/home/2010/1/25/write-where-you-belong.html

Dear Friend,

I am writing to tell you of things that happened to me; events that spurred the beginning of the end and left me somewhat damaged. I like to call this time in my life the great collapse; the time where I found myself down in it, covered in my sin and left to crawl in the sand like a reptile. You yourself played a part in this when you told another version of the truth. I’ve had some realizations about the big come down that I would like to share with you, but before I get into anything, I feel I should start from the beginning before I gave up on everything and let myself fall into the great below.

Imagine, if you will, a warm place, a place untouched by the heresy that has corrupted so many; a place with all the love in the world. This was my life, or at least it was before you, the good soldier, took it from me. I was on a pilgrimage to find the thing that I so desperately desired; to become one with my vessel, my soul, to exist in a sanctified state of being. I guess this is something I can never have.

You looked at me with desire; you too sought peace for yourself, but could never obtain it. You saw that I was 10 miles high, but you couldn’t let down your echoplex just to ask for my help. You let your pride get in the way, and in doing so have become the ruiner of all I wish to be. The fragile fell victim to the wretched, and all that remains are the frail memories of the only time that I was ever truly happy. I trusted you and you hurt me with a terrible lie. I guess that’s what I get.

Your actions have released something inside of me; a demon seed. Love is not enough, not anymore. Now I seek vengeance and I will have it. You have thrown me into the void of hate and the way out is through. Murder? Kinda, I want to.

You thought you were the big man with a gun, joining the march of the pigs, ruining all that came into your path. Well piggy, you know what you are? You are the one who is about to find discipline. The mark has been made, and now you will awake to find this is the day the world went away.

You will ask yourself where is everybody? You shall suffer as I have suffered; alone, with your head down in the sand. There will be no more lights in the sky for you. 1,000,000; 999,999; one by one they will disappear and leave you alone in physical and mental agony. I hope you can find happiness in slavery. Survivalism shall become your mantra.

As you suffer alone remember this: you brought this upon yourself. My vengeance is God given, and now it’s time to meet your master. The Great Destroyer awaits you my friend, and shall be right beside you in time.

Now I fall even deeper into the downward spiral that you have begun; I do not want this. I’m turning into something that I never wanted to be; the line begins to blur, all I can see are sunspots. Reality is getting smaller and all that remains is my violent heart. Me, I'm not.

Even though I know I do this for the greater good, I feel it all slipping away. In letting you get to me I’ve lost myself. Do you know what you’ve done? No, you don’t. You’ve created a complication for me. I can no longer find my inner peace. Every day is exactly the same. I fear that I am closer to becoming Mr. Self Destruct. I’m dead inside. Underneath it all I am ripe with decay; you suck the life from me. Is my demise just like you imagined?

It doesn’t matter anymore; we’re in this together now. You, me, myself, and I: the four of us are dying. I know now that nothing will ever be right where it belongs again. Through my hate I have bitten the hand that feeds, and now await the collector of souls. I'm looking forward to joining you.

Help me I am in hell.

Sincerely,
A broken man